Toby Atkin-Wright

As I tidied up after breakfast this morning, I looked out of the kitchen window and watched a ginger cat saunter around our garden, walk into my raised vegetable bed, dig itself a hole, and do a poo among my nascent carrots.

This has not improved my opinion of cats or their owners.

I shouted at it. It ignored me. Kate shouted at it. It went away.

Kate is scarier than me.

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As I tidied up after breakfast this morning, I looked out of the kitchen window and watched a ginger cat saunter around our garden, walk into my raised vegetable bed, dig itself a hole, and do a poo among my nascent carrots.

This has not improved my opinion of cats or their owners.

I shouted at it. It ignored me. Kate shouted at it. It went away.

Kate is scarier than me.

If I spend more than a few minutes near a cat, or in a room where a cat has been, I start to sniffle and sneeze, my head fills with goo, I feel jolly rotten and I lose the ability (such that I have) to generate intelligent thoughts. This isn’t usually a problem, as few of the friends we see regularly have cats, and the use of antihistamines can delay the onset of symptoms for an hour or so (but as a side effect make me very drowsy and equally incapable of generating intelligent thought).

My parents are being annoyed by a local cat. It is ginger in colour and looks well kempt, but doesn’t have a name or address on its blue collar. It walks into their house through open doors or windows, at day or night. It ignores humans, behaves as if it owns the place, and doesn’t appear scared of anything. In the past it has woken me in the middle of the night by sitting on my foot. I don’t like cats sitting on my feet, when I am asleep or otherwise. Earlier today it was making itself at home in parent’s bedroom, playing with some of mother’s clothes.

Father just carries it out of the house, but mother dislikes the idea of an animal in her house to such an extent that she is keeping doors and windows closed specifically to keep the cat out. It is causing a similar nuisance to some of the neighbours. So what should be done about it? I don’t want to see my parents annoyed and changing their behaviour because of somebody else’s pet.

I have identified several possible solutions:

1. Take it to the local police station or animal shelter and hand it in, saying that it is causing a nuisance and its owners are unknown. Presumably if it’s chipped the owners could be identified, and it would be a wake-up call for them that their cat is a problem.
2. Throw it in the swimming pool each time it enters the house. Downside is that it might poo or die in the pool, either of which would be jolly unpleasant for future swimmers.
3. Is it legal to shoot or otherwise humanely kill a cat?
4. Does anyone have any decent cat recipes? While I don’t eat meat, my parents do, and it might lead to interesting dinner-party conversation.
5. I wonder if I am allergic to stuffed cat? I could just see its head mounted like a hunting trophy on a plaque on the wall in the hall, among the family photos.
6. Would a cat-head sporran go with my kilt?

Open to suggestions. It is a real problem.

If I spend more than a few minutes near a cat, or in a room where a cat has been, I start to sniffle and sneeze, my head fills with goo, I feel jolly rotten and I lose the ability (such that I have) to generate intelligent thoughts. This isn’t usually a problem, as few of the friends we see regularly have cats, and the use of antihistamines can delay the onset of symptoms for an hour or so (but as a side effect make me very drowsy and equally incapable of generating intelligent thought).

My parents are being annoyed by a local cat. It is ginger in colour and looks well kempt, but doesn’t have a name or address on its blue collar. It walks into their house through open doors or windows, at day or night. It ignores humans, behaves as if it owns the place, and doesn’t appear scared of anything. In the past it has woken me in the middle of the night by sitting on my foot. I don’t like cats sitting on my feet, when I am asleep or otherwise. Earlier today it was making itself at home in parent’s bedroom, playing with some of mother’s clothes.

Father just carries it out of the house, but mother dislikes the idea of an animal in her house to such an extent that she is keeping doors and windows closed specifically to keep the cat out. It is causing a similar nuisance to some of the neighbours. So what should be done about it? I don’t want to see my parents annoyed and changing their behaviour because of somebody else’s pet.

I have identified several possible solutions:

1. Take it to the local police station or animal shelter and hand it in, saying that it is causing a nuisance and its owners are unknown. Presumably if it’s chipped the owners could be identified, and it would be a wake-up call for them that their cat is a problem.
2. Throw it in the swimming pool each time it enters the house. Downside is that it might poo or die in the pool, either of which would be jolly unpleasant for future swimmers.
3. Is it legal to shoot or otherwise humanely kill a cat?
4. Does anyone have any decent cat recipes? While I don’t eat meat, my parents do, and it might lead to interesting dinner-party conversation.
5. I wonder if I am allergic to stuffed cat? I could just see its head mounted like a hunting trophy on a plaque on the wall in the hall, among the family photos.
6. Would a cat-head sporran go with my kilt?

Open to suggestions. It is a real problem.